High level narcissists stand at center stage, commanding all the attention. He/she struts and preens before the audience. The high level is exultant before his/her adoring audience. These individuals expect nothing less than being perpetually adored. 

Many names are associated with these false self high flyers: Champion, Winner, Nobleman, Noblewoman, Prince, Princess, Genius, Spiritual Master.  On the outside, the high level narcissist sparkles, exuding a magnetic charm.

 Beneath the many false selves  the high level narcissist is a hollowed out, psychologically empty real self.

 The high level uses specific defense mechanisms to protect himself/herself from exposure to the depleted real self. 

Projection: Projection is a primitive defense mechanism that involves ejecting vile psychological venom onto victims, especially those close within his inner circle: spouses, ex-spouses, children, siblings. The big advantage for the high level is that there are no consequences for their abominable behavior.

When you are the recipient of a primitive projection your guts churn, your heart beats wildly, you feel humiliated—feel like disappearing.

Projections originate in the unconscious of the perpetrator. In these dark recesses, powerful untrammeled feelings and inclinations are brewing and foment upward into consciousness.   

Massive Denial: This is a profound disavowal of the true reality, particularly about himself. The narcissist believes that he/she is a fine person, an individual of integrity. The high level is immune to his mean, vindictive, demanding behaviors.

The narcissist easily finds fault with others, (often rivals for power) whom he criticizes reflexively. The high level harbors a deep envy of his competitors.

When he/she has behaved badly in business or socially, the high level shifts the blame on to others rather than taking responsibility for his deceptive, and egregious behaviors. The high level can never admit being “wrong” since the reinforced false self perceives himself/herself as perfect and superior. 

Repression:The use of repression works very well for the high level narcissist. This is a form of forgetting and blocking feelings and actions and memories that run counter to the narcissist’s belief that he/she is superior and perfect. Repression is a psychological shield that protects the high level from experiencing his emotional and psychological vulnerabilities and imperfections. This mechanism “protects” the narcissist from experiencing his/her hollow, helpless, depleted, empty real self. 

Many are so taken with the compelling, believable false selves of the high level narcissist that they are incapable and unwilling to perceive these malevolent individuals for who they truly are—vile exploiters of those whom they psychologically and mentally control. 

As a result of your research and clear insights, you perceive the true nature of the high level narcissist defined by the dark, empty, hollowed out core of these individuals. 

Give yourself credit for your perseverance, your strong belief in yourself, your mental and psychological stamina. Focus on your movement into the restorative, calming pathways of the parasympathetic of self care and the use of your unique creative gifts.

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“In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it.” (Michelangelo)  One of the greatest sculptors created unsurprassed masterpieces—The Pieta, David, Moses among others. He was a master at taking a block of inanimate material and bringing it to the highest artistic fulfillment. 

I was thinking about this great work and something popped into my mind about the narcissistic mother who endeavors with all of her force to create the perfect child—her golden one. Some are chosen to play this role; others are not. 

Many a narcissistic parent has become obsessed with molding a tiny baby into a perfect vision. This works beautifully with art using clay, marble and alabaster but it is a disaster with little children. 

Were you the chosen one, the one who was ignored, the golden child dethroned, the child who was hidden in the bunch, the child who got into a lot of trouble with mom because you insisted on being yourself? There are innumerable patterns in these narcissistic, highly dysfunctional families. 

Some children respond positively to the prodding of their highly ambitious narcissistic mothers. These mothers are restless creatures. Mother is relentlessly at work. Day and night she is plotting and thinking about the magnificence of the end product when the curtain parts and her creation is at center stage. 

If one daughter does not go along with the transformation project, she will discard her and pick another child. The abanded daughter has a hard time because she has lost her mother’s attention and is no longer in a psychological state of her mother’s grace. But those who tough it out can be blessed because they bucked the force of the narcissistic mother’s disturbed contorted vision.  Rather, this daughter is an individual with many unique gifts. 

Narcissistic mothers will always be with us as well as narcissistic daughters. Our work is to recognize the true nature of the high level narcissists in our families and to assert and honor the immutable authentic, creative self that is grounded in truth and integrity. 

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High level narcissists are essentially solo acts. They are incapable of forming genuine relationships, especially with their spouses, partners and children. Narcissists are duplicitous. They have many secret agendas. They compartmentalize their lives skillfully and without conscience. 

After you have been married to a narcissist for a while you realize this man or woman is not the person you met and think you have known. 

Even when he/she is getting everything he wants, the high level suddenly turns on his /her spouse. He is projecting and spewing his unconscious self loathing and psychological emptiness on to you. Spouses and partners on the receiving end often learn to ignore and rationalize these abusive behaviors. 

After the marriage has turned stale—and this can happen quickly with narcissists—they need to figure out exactly what they are going to do with you. 

Narcissistic spouses are irritated and disgusted with spouses and partners who are not performing up to their unrealistic standards. After the divorce the spouse/partner is dropped quickly, abandoned without ceremony. 

High level narcissists don’t look back; they are not haunted by any memory of their cruelties. They sleep well at night and are still completely full of themselves as they move on with another person. This is a travesty, a number of horrible scenarios that are repeated over and over again by narcissists with impunity. 

As you move forward, focus on your sense of self entitlement. Practice self care each day: rest and sleep, eat nourishing food, good hydration, exercise and movement that appeals to you, expressive unedited writing, listen to beautiful music, spend time with Nature, the great healer. 

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You are in charge now unlike the days of childhood when you were under the control, expectations and pscyopathologies of your parents. Your partner, spouse, ex-spouse, siblings and other family members are not entitled to intimidate or control you. Be kind with yourself.

Self Kindness activities include:

Move at our own pace; don’t let anyone rush you. Many children are herded around and forced to move quickly by other family members. This is particularly stressful, causing nerves to fray, stomach roiling when they are forced to hurry mindlessly. It is distressing and disorienting. 

Develop daily routines that work well for you and that orient you into the parasympathetic nervous system and out of the fight or flight sympathetic mode. 

As a child you experienced the stresses of the sympathetic, especially if you grew up with a narcissistic parent and other personality disordered individuals. 

The practice of diaphragmagtic breathing offers you an entree into the parasympathetic state. Disphragmatic breathing activates the vagus nerve. The awakening of the vagus nerve puts you into the parasympathetic—the calming, healing, restorative part of the nervous system. The origin of this kind of breathing has existed for thousands of years introduced by Indian practices called pranayama. The practice of pranayama is part of an ancient yoga that goes back in time with its origins in India in the sixth and fifth centuries BC. 

Listen to beautiful music that speaks to you. You can hear these melodies or songs over and over again and always find them calming, inspiring, affirming, joyful.

Pay attention to your dreams. They are revealing invaluable messages. When you awaken from a dream, take a few minutes to digest it before you get up.

Expressive, unedited writing offers you an opening to your unconscious and your unique creativity. Messages that come through this writing are profound and help you to see through delusion to the true reality. 

Be as kind with yourself as you are to others. 

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Covert narcissists fly under the radar. It can be very difficult to identify them before they have psychologically ambushed you. Polite, humble, soft spoken, respectful in manner, the covert narcissist conceals his/her true nature with great skill. They are at your service, appear to be good listeners and are clever actors of pseudo empathy. In the first moves the covert narcissist appears to be very sincere. He/she has your best interests at heart. This is the bait and the trap. 

All the while the covert narcissist is sizing you up. These individuals have taken your measure and know that by romancing you and becoming an indispensable part of your life that they will own your feelings and possess you psychologically. 

Whether it is direct or covert, the narcissist is a user who only becomes involved with those whom he/she can use and increase his power and economic reach. 

Protect yourself. Narcissists are users and abusers. You can learn to identify the covert narcissist with great skill. 

Turn you attention to your self care: rest, sleep, hydration, nourishing food, expressive writing, beautiful music, sublime Nature.  Embrace your unique creative individuality. 

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Our hearts are drawn quickly and beat fiercely with someone who is irresistible. That often is a narcissistic man or woman.  They have our “numbers”, are often very attractive and compelling. They give us so much attention in the beginning. The narcissist always wants something from us and it is not our welfare or peace of mind, or our creative, psychological or spiritual well being. 

There is a strong human tendency to repeat patterns of behavior, especially those that are hurtful to us. Many children of narcissistic parents marry narcissists. It is not unusual for them to step into a marriage with someone who has fooled them completely with a grandiose false self full of confidence and who appears to care deeply about them.

If you suspect that your intended man or woman is a narcissist, remember what you learned about the characteristics of the narcissistic personality:

Narcissists are clever actors who convince others that they truly care about them.

Narcissists are consumed with creating and maintaining with their perfect image.

Does this individual over promise? Is he or she very grandiose and could possibly be delusional?

Is he or she the Golden Boy or Golden Girl in the family?

Does this person lack true empathy? The capacity to put yourself emotionally and psychologically in another person’s place.  Are they skilled at pseudo empathy?

How often are you catching him/her in lies? Narcissists are gifted liars. 

Narcissistic personalities are not inclined to change. After all, they believe they are perfect and live in a delusion of their own making. 

Prepare personally by putting the emphasis on taking vey good care of yourself. Take time to listen to music, spontaneous writing with a pen and your imagination, exercise in the way that works for you, good nutrition and hydration, a spiritual practice as you define it. Get the sleep and rest that you deserve. Seek anf find the beauty of Nature, our restorative, healing, transformational source. Ackowledge and feel deep inside an appreciation for who you really are: genuine, unique, talented, creative: a person of vision, empathy and integrity. 

I have great faith in you and know that you will prevail. Let your light shine!

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Daughters of narcissistic mothers have a particularly difficult pathway to travel. From childhood they have had to contend with mothers who were cold, distracted, self-absorbed, coercive, dismissive, manipulative and psychologically destructive. Their children are at their mercy and whim. Their daughters are an ongoing source of narcissistic supply to this non-mother.  

Adult daughters of narcissistic mothers have to contend with maternal deprivation, perpetrated by these mothers from hell. 

The daughter of a narcissistic mothers is very special…She is a survivor, a beautiful human being who has prevailed over the psychological gulags of childhood to emerge as a vibrant, loving, creative individual. 

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Psychological fusion represents the need to identify and merge with the high level narcissist.  This occurs as a result of emotional and psychological deficits and causes a sense of being incomplete as an individual. 

Those who experience this fusion seek the high level narcissist for validation and a sense of worth and purpose.

The causes of psychological fuson can be the result of childhood trauma, maternal deprivation and abandonment issues.

You feel emotionally damaged, less than, incomplete with feelings of worthlessness, guilt, lacking value and importance as an individual. 

Each time that you return to the high level narcissist you put yourself in the hands of this unempathic, controlling individual 

At a time of insight and deep understanding you decide to separate from the high level narcissist with the practice of self care: going at your own pace, sleep and rest that you deserve, healing and restoration through Nature, activating your unique creativity, movement and exercise that works for you.  

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Classic narcissists are bombastic and charismatic, running through their days in the fast lane—always moving to their next cascade of narcissistic supplies. If they are very successful they have more opportunities to be adored, praised and rewarded hnadsomely in this current world of rampant pathological narcissism. Those at the top of their game don’t do the hard work. They have adoring followers, psychologically dependent individuals, hangers on, at their beck and call. 

If you have narcissists in your family, you are keenly aware of how they demean and/or ignore you or both. 

Since they have no internal psychological consciousness or a well developed conscience, they move swiftly and smoothly through their professional and personal lives with ruthless abandon. They choose partners whom they can dominate and control. They ignore their children or choose only those who will become their living ego supplies—little narcissists who will grow up to be just like them.

Narcissists are peripatetic—They always have their engines running. They go from one project to the next–one trip to the next—one acquisition to the next–one partner to the next—, etc. 

They jauntily move along in the conversation to tell you about how swimmingly their lives are going, how busy they are, what they are achieving and don’t forget—“their successes.” I am talking about their all out bragging when the other person is going through a very tough time and needs to be heard. I find this kind of interchange to be nauseating and cruel. 

Remind yourself that you are genuine and that having psychological ordeals is part of our authenticity with real feelings and deep caring for others as well as oneself. 

You are not deluded. You do not brag about yourself. You are highly empathic and care deeply about the feelings, the problems and the tough issues of others: family members, friends, spouses, etc. You are the opposite of the narcissist. 

Give yourself credit for being a true individual who is growing and evolving. Know that this is a process that takes time and effort and that you are moving toward developing a stronger, expanded true self. (The narcissist is a false self that leads his/her entire days in delusion.) 

Practice the self care each day: rest and get the sleep that you deserve, eat nourishing food–organic if you can, use your creative gifts, create a spiritual practice as you understand this. Spend time with Nature–beautiful, restorative, transformational!  

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Some grandiose narcissists are egomanical. Their bloated sense of self is without boundaries. They are delusional, believing that they are all powerful, omniscient, demi gods.

They are obsessed with obtaining and maintaining the highest levels of raw power and control over others in their orbits.

Quoting from my book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life: “The narcissist fabricates delusions that protect his/her belief in limitless power. The narcissist holds fast to his bloated self images…for him these are irrefutable and immutable truths. His core beliefs are unshakable: “There is nothing I can’t do, I have no limits. I’m perfect—everyone else is mediocre and inferior. I will win at all costs.”

Grandiose narcissist create thickets of lies. They lie automatically and take great pleasure in lying to you in a variety of ways. The focus is always on them and what they can get and take from you. 

Grandiose narcissists control you by manufactoring an empty promise that you will become part of their unique, golden circle of followers who are treated as special and unique.  

Shameless to the highest degree, the grandiose narcissist does not have a fully developed conscience. 

Highly exploitive, the grandiose narcissist treats others with disrespect and disdain.  

For them, you are expendable, like a used wrapper thrown to the winds.

Delirious with greed grandiose narcissists can’t stop themselves from obsessive acquisition of  properties, money, trusts, investments. 

At a time of awakening you recognize that you need to separate from the delusional, psychopathollogical world of the grandiose narcissist. 

Practice self care each day: rest and sleep that you need and deserve, eat nourishing food, movement and exercise, quieting the mind or meditation for calming and focus. Listen to beautiful music that puts you in a restorative healing mode. 

Celebrate your essence—your unique individuality!

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