Tag: narcissistic abuse recovery

The high level narcissist with extraordinary charm, allure and irresistibility, glides through his/her days like a member of royalty. . There is a special vibration that the high level possesses that is challenging to define. When you are in th presence of certain high level you feel so good. There is an excitement that moves throughout your body/mind in the presence of a particularly gifted high level narcissist. The eyes of the high level almost embrace you, giving off an air of seduction. Some feel an immediate attachment to these high level narcissist.

For many years you played your role of partner and spouse to the  high level narcissist, knowing he/she was psychologically toxic. You go through a series of defined now familiar patterns beginning with the spellbound days of thrills, magic excitement and awe; then the resumption of rifts with the exposure of new lies and betrayals; coming to the edge of separation from this impossible conundrum of a relationship. 

You are now full circle and heavy with exceptional exhaustion. In the past you jacked yourself up with coffee, plunged into exercise, distracted yourself with fantasies and fancies. The tricks have worn thin; they don’t work anymore. 

One woman described her impossible states as she screamed: “I can’t take one more step. Brushing my teeth wears me out. I fall into bed exhausted but in the middle of the night I stare at the ceiling for hours in severe distress and worry. My nerves are always ragged and frayed despite my extreme fatigue.”

The high level narcissist preys on your weaknesses, your sense of inappropriate guilt, your need to over extend yourself to others. 

Deep inside this time you pay attention to the voice of wisdom, your intuition that tells you to leave this highly abuse relationship, that this is your time of transformation. You deserve respite, rest, solitude, calmness, listening to the voice of your unique creativity and a grounded sense of self entitlement

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So perfect in the beginning, beyond all imaginings—you are swept up in the excitement, pleasures, promises, allure of this impeccable relationship with the high narcissist. 

As the months move forward you began to see and feel the waves of rage, criticisms, manipulations, careless lies beneath the surface. 

The rage projections begin and accelerate. These ugly tirades race through your body and brain. The amygdala, that part of the limbic system of the brain, the center of strong feelings is activated. The amygdala puts the sympathetic nervous system into motion with the release of stress hormones and the activation of the figh or flight response. 

The clear message from your high level narcissist spouse is: “You are expendable, replaceable; you don’t count as an individual.”

While your high level narcissist partner glides through his/her days without missing a beat, you are distraught, worn out, emotionally jangled and confused. 

There is a junction, an accumulation of angst, trepidation and exhaustion which converge and cannot be denied. The inner voice finally gets your attention saying: “you are being lied to, exploited, raged at. Your psychological and physical health is compromised. Wake up now!”

You shift direction forward to your own unique pathway of separation and the rediscovery of your original self. Give yourself tremendous credit for this profound shift you have made.

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High level narcissists are obsessively driven to reach the top of their mountains of ambition and achievement, whether the goals are wealth, power, prestige, praise or veneration.

For the high level this is a much easier route since these individuals are very light in the conscience department. The narcissistic personality does not develop a highly developed conscience during his/her formative years. Beneath the surface of the perfect facade you find an absence of adhering to what is right or wrong.  

I have observed that high levels obtain huge ego supplies by planning their route to the upper reaches of success. 

Ultimately the high level narcissist is a predatory exploiter. 

High level narcissists have no difficulty at all abandoning their spouses, children, friends when, according to their plan for success they  must shift and in some instance leave their spouses and children to make their next ascendant step. 

Along the way they have psychologically and emotionally harmed countless individuals, abandoned and pended too many lives, including their children. For the high level this doesn’t matter. 

You are the one who has borne and survived the cunning plots and plans of the high level narcissists.

Now you know this high level in full. Understand that you are not and never were to blame for his/her deceits, abandonments, vile projections, insidious acting out behaviors. 

Give yourself tremendous credit for your psychological stamina, clear discernment, personal integrity, your unique creative gifts, compassion and empathy. 

You are on the pathways of recovery, transformation and restoration, deep inner healing. 

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The parasympathetic mode is that part of the nervous system that causes us to become calm, relaxed, digest, rest, restore, increase creativity, go deeper spiritually. 

The parasympathetic rescues us from what Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk, psychiatrist and  researcher, foremost authority defines trauma as a gut wrenching, unbearable body mind sensation experience that is unrelenting. Trauma feels ongoing and unending.  It is very difficult for those who have not experienced psychological trauma to understand and appreciate its ever-present quality. 

Quotes from my book Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist:

“Everyone is entitled to rest, solitude and reverie…Whatever happened to down time? Some of the most creative and productive human beings spend segments of their days in a quiet, calm, unstructured environment. One of the best venues for down time is being with Nature…” 

We are human animals. Watching animals we recognize how often they rest. They spent much of their time resting throughout the day. Resting helps us in the sleep process. In resting we practice letting down, allowing ourselves to just be, without demands, criticisms, instructions, judgments.

Spend time with Nature – It is so restorative to you.

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Many of you have grown up in a narcissistic family constellation with a golden child narcissist. 

You witnessed the ugly tantrums, the constant lies and deceits. Your parents made no attempt to get the golden child to behave. The parents’ effort were feeble because from the beginning he/she was never corrected for inconsiderate and boorish behavior. 

The narcissist lies impeccably to tricks others and make fools of them. He or she intimidates his brothers and sisters who live in sheer terror of his footsteps. The golden child narcissist is a reflection of the parents’ perfect facade.

There is a time when you separate out of your family of origin. Learn to appreciate what you have experienced that was so difficult. 

Give yourself tremendous credit for your individuality. Practice self care each day. 

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The person of hubris and greed is incapable of having an authentic loving relationship with another individual. 

High level narcissists are obsessive climbers, forging upward socially and economically, willing to betray, lie in any fashion to keep others from reaching the summits of their delusional manic ambitions. 

Being a high climber reinforces their feelings of superiority and excessive self-entitlement. They have risen above all the rest – superior beings! Hubris runs rampant within them. 

To fill the unbearable emptiness of their true self, high level narcissists wander through their days in delusion and denial using defense mechanisms that protect them from the true reality of ever knowing themselves or forming an authentic deep loveing relationship. 

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At times the earth feels unsteady beneath our psychological feet. We experience uncertainties, even fears and trepidations that haunt us in wakefulness and sleep. 

In seasons of confusion and uncertainty it is particularly helpful to view ourselves with both objectivity and compassion. These are some of the steps that yu can take to bring emotional and psychophysiological balance to your days. 

Do movement and exercise that boosts your immune system, raises your mood, lowers your anxiety and helps you sleep. 

Perform simple yoga poses like child’s pose that gently stretches your muscles, calms your nervous system and puts you in the restorative parasympathetic mode.

Activate your vagus nerve through diaphragmatic breathing.

Listen to your dreams. They are revealing invaluable messages. When you awaken from a dream, take a few minutes to digest before you get up. Remember, dreams are a connection between your conscious and unconscious mind.

The high level narcissist is a gifted conjurer – creating a series of false selves that are believable to those who become involved with him/her. Like a great method actor is a schemer. 

The high level narcissist develops a series of false selves that are charming, charismatic, engaging, designed to attract others to him and from whom he acquires narcissistic supplies that inflate his/her ego. 

The high level narcissist fools most people – that’s how clever and cunning they are. 

At some point you awaken to the true nature of the high level narcissist. Realize that you were participating in a false disingenuous non relationship. 

You are no longer on the receiving end of the high level’s clever disguises and ruthless psychological machinations. 

You are taking a stand for your original creative self. You listen closely to the wisdom inside, the core of truth that defines your identity.

Denial is a powerful defense mechanism that the high level narcissist uses to create his/her reality. Cruel, cunning, plotting, scheming, the high level believes that he is a person of fine character. 

The high level narcissist denies the truth about his/her true nature. When the narcissist falters in his personal and professional obligations, he adroitly blames others, especially those close to him for negative outcomes. 

The high level is never wrong. His false self is giddy, riding on the irrational waves of denial.

The high level narcissist’s delusional sense of self is created out of an over the top inflated ego. 

Obsessed with creating and maintaining a perfect image, the high level narcissist pursues the perfection of the external self: personal appearance, extravagant lifestyles, luxurious homes. 

Pompous, grandiose, the high level narcissist is convinced that he is intrinsically superior to others and therefore entitled to control them. Those who don’t meet his outrageous demands and standards of value are treated with scorn and disdain. 

You are the opposite of the high level narcissist. You seek the evolution of the original self with indispensable qualities:

independence of thinking, taking initiative, recognizing one’s mistakes, learning the lessons and moving forward along your own pathways of evolution, exploration and enjoyment of your unique creative gifts, intuitive insights, wisdom of the body/mind, development of the spiritual self as you define this.

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Your marital relationship with a high level narcissist is expendable. They are incapable of being loyal to anyone but themselves. 

Authentic feelings are not part of the high level narcissist’s psychological vocabulary. They tell great stories about their devotion to their spouse and children but this makes for great drama and image enhancement. 

The high level narcissistic spouse is always looking for new sources of psychological supply that will keep his ego fully inflated. 

High level narcissists always move on when things get difficult. They are not disposed to work on their marriage. They simply replace their spouses with others.

Pay attention to your needs and gifts. Don’t blame yourself for becoming involved in a marriage with a narcissist. 

Focus on your talents, well being and unique creative gifts. Give yourself tremendous credit for your insights, great character and the rediscovery of your true self.

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