(GUIDELINES THAT BUILD INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE AND RESULT IN MATURE CONFLICT RESOLUTION)
COMMITMENT TO GOD is vital in a marriage. Imagine a triangle with God at the top. As you both grow more spiritually connected with God you also become more emotionally and spiritually connected with each other.
AGREE TO LISTEN TO EACH OTHER’S FEELINGS
TEAMWORK = YOU ARE BOTH ON THE SAME TEAM. Two guards on the same basketball team, while dribbling down the court, would not try to steal the ball from each other because they are on the same team. Couples who argue in unhealthy ways are on opposing teams and need to join the same team. The goal of conflict resolution is not who wins. When a couple resolves an issue, or even agrees to disagree, they both win.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION IS THE GOAL OF MATURE “ARGUMENTS”—NOT WHO WINS. When you resolve a conflict, or agree to disagree, YOU BOTH WIN.
NEVER ATTACK EACH OTHER. This is another aspect of being on the same team. Calling each other names or attacking each other in any way is not a good way to bring resolution. A mature couple will discuss their differences of opinion or their perceived offenses while listening to each other’s opinions and either agree on a compromise, apologize for an offense, or agree to disagree, but all without attacking each other or calling each other names.
COMMITMENT TO EACH OTHER means a lifelong choice to be loving to each other, even when not feeling that way at times. The FEELING of love varies even day by day. Two people marry each other because they love each other. It is totally normal, when living with each other a long time, for those feelings to go up and down. In Revelation chapter 2:1-5, God clearly taught three steps for rebuilding waning feelings of love. God complimented the church in Ephesus about a number of very good things they were doing and had only one constructive criticism: they had “lost their first love.” The depth of love and enthusiasm that they felt for God when they first became believers had significantly decreased. God taught them that LOVE IS A CHOICE that could be achieved using three simple steps: “REMEMBER therefore from whence thou art fallen, and REPENT, and DO THE FIRST WORKS;” THOSE WILL BE OUR NEXT 3 STEPS FOR REVIVING THE LEVEL OF LOVE IN A MARRIAGE.
REMEMBER=A mate can start by remembering the romantic and loving feelings that were present early in the marriage and remember the loving things that were done for each other. As human beings we all take things AND OFTEN EACH OTHER for granted and forget the importance of maintaining those love feelings and behaviors.
REPENT means to recognize that the decision the couple each made to love each other deeply at some time in their relationship had now declined in intensity. It would be wise and profitable for each member of that couple to make a “re-decision” to make a determined effort to rebuild the depth of love that had been present earlier in their relationship.
DO THE FIRST WORKS means that WHETHER OR NOT A MATE FEELS THAT DEGREE OF LOVE, he/she can choose to do the loving things daily that were done for each other early on in their marriage. The valuable lesson God taught humanity in that passage is that IF A PERSON BEHAVES LOVINGLY TOWARD GOD (AND THIS WOULD APPLY TO A MATE, OF COURSE, AS WELL) THE FEELINGS OF LOVE WILL USUALLY BE REVIVED.
NO SHOULDS OR SHOUDN’TS. These are PARENT-TO-CHILD statements and are condescending in marriage. Wives have already had a father. They don’t need or want their husbands to be their fathers, but rather their lover and friend and equal. Likewise, husbands don’t need or want another mother. Shoulds and shouldn’ts don’t work well anyway. As humans, we are usually automatically defensive whether we know our mate is right or wrong, which results in arguments. If A mate is doing (or NOT doing) or saying something that the other mate believes to be wrong, dropping
SHOULD and SHOULDN’T messages on each other is VERY UNLIKELY to bring about change.
“I FEEL” MESSAGES ARE VERY EFFECTIVE TO BRING ABOUT POSITIVE CHANGES. Messages like “I felt really loved just now when you….” “I felt sad today when you….” “I feel angry toward you right now because….” It’s really difficult to argue with someone about whether they feel the way they say they do. It would be really narcissistic–or just plain STUPID–to say, “No you don’t feel that way.” The expressive mate is not even insisting (depending on what it is) that the offending mate change, merely wanting the offending mate to realize how the expressive mate FEELS about the offending mate’s action. non-action or choice of words. EXAMPLE = A husband and wife agree to meet somewhere at 6 p.m. after work the wife, for example, shows up 40 minutes late and doesn’t answer her phone when he eventually gets worried and tries to call. The wife’s boss actually gave her a last-minute task to do that took her 40 minutes. When she finally arrives, it would be condescending and ineffective to say, “You SHOULD always call me when we agree on a time to meet and you know you will be late.” He is actually correct, in most cases. But she will naturally defend herself and maybe even get angry at him for getting angry at her when she had a semi-emergency. This results in an argument. But if he says, “I feel angry…or I feel discounted, or even I feel anxious when you meet me 40 minutes late and don’t call me first to let me know.” If she is caring wife, she will care about how he feels and WANT to change that. “I FEEL” messages don’t always work, but they work about four times more often than “YOU SHOULD” messages, plus are respectful, “speaking the truth in love” as encouraged by the Apostle Paul in Ephesians 4:15.
